Official Mail
US&A Department of the Treasury
August 8, 2009
Dear Mr. Altuniv,
We wish to introduce you to an exciting and highly profitable new US&A gummint program. This brilliant program will dwarf the benefits of the "Cash for Clunkers program.
Since your DOB is December 7, 1941, you are easily eligible for these exceptional rewards. Your weird sexual preferences and questionable business dealings as recorded in our voter list will not disqualify you. Read on.
Good health and looking forward to meeting you in the Hereafter when I and Obamamama will have more time to chat personally with you!
President Obama
>>>>>> Cash for Codgers. <<<<<<
Since most ( 80% or so) of any individual's healthcare expense is incurred during the last six months of their pathetic life, this is a huge drain on Medicare; to say nothing of the health insurance companies who make such generous contributions to our party.
By eliminating these last six months of your life, you could help America to balance the onerous cost of Medicare and peripherally the burdensome social security program. The benefits would be enormous to all of us who remain alive.
We are offering anyone who wishes to participate in our splendiferous new program the magnanimous sum of $45,000 U.S. dollars Tax Free. This money will also be exempt from estate taxes. This is ten times as much as you could have collected if you merely turned in a Clunker Car.
You may be a tad nervous about dying. That is a normal healthful human feeling. But we will make it comfortable and easy to do. This is by a process of euthanasia ( "eu" from the Greek means "good". "Thanasia" from the Greek means, uh, "Going to the Great Beyond")
We offer a wide range of choices for your euthanasia, most of them euphoric. For example one could choose OD'ing on heroin, IV ethanol, engorgement with raspberry creme chocolates, or for those who prefer speed --- either amphetamines or a .45 bullet through the head. But you will have these and many, many more choices. We are even flexible as to any particular wish you may have as to your wise choice of euthanasia.
We will also provide a pleasant funeral for you--- up to $5000 worth. Or, if you prefer to be thrifty, you can choose a simpler path to Heaven which we call "Deep Six" and the $5000 will be added to the $45,000 you will receive.
To participate, you must produce a note from any one of the following that it would be OK with them if you croaked within the next year:
Your physician or health practitioner.
Your spouse.
Your ex-spouse.
Any one of your children.
Your nursing home.
Any one of your creditors.
Any one of your neighbors.
Your Congressional Representative.
Sincerely and Our Best Wishes,
US Department of the Treasury.
P.S. In the spirit of collegiality, we are initially offering this program only to Republicans.
You might also note, that the improvement that you will choose to make in your miserable life will also benefit many of our young men and women since we will not need to go to war as much to stimulate the economy.
***
US&A Department of the Treasury
August 8, 2009
Dear Mr. Altuniv,
We wish to introduce you to an exciting and highly profitable new US&A gummint program. This brilliant program will dwarf the benefits of the "Cash for Clunkers program.
Since your DOB is December 7, 1941, you are easily eligible for these exceptional rewards. Your weird sexual preferences and questionable business dealings as recorded in our voter list will not disqualify you. Read on.
Good health and looking forward to meeting you in the Hereafter when I and Obamamama will have more time to chat personally with you!
President Obama
>>>>>> Cash for Codgers. <<<<<<
Since most ( 80% or so) of any individual's healthcare expense is incurred during the last six months of their pathetic life, this is a huge drain on Medicare; to say nothing of the health insurance companies who make such generous contributions to our party.
By eliminating these last six months of your life, you could help America to balance the onerous cost of Medicare and peripherally the burdensome social security program. The benefits would be enormous to all of us who remain alive.
We are offering anyone who wishes to participate in our splendiferous new program the magnanimous sum of $45,000 U.S. dollars Tax Free. This money will also be exempt from estate taxes. This is ten times as much as you could have collected if you merely turned in a Clunker Car.
You may be a tad nervous about dying. That is a normal healthful human feeling. But we will make it comfortable and easy to do. This is by a process of euthanasia ( "eu" from the Greek means "good". "Thanasia" from the Greek means, uh, "Going to the Great Beyond")
We offer a wide range of choices for your euthanasia, most of them euphoric. For example one could choose OD'ing on heroin, IV ethanol, engorgement with raspberry creme chocolates, or for those who prefer speed --- either amphetamines or a .45 bullet through the head. But you will have these and many, many more choices. We are even flexible as to any particular wish you may have as to your wise choice of euthanasia.
We will also provide a pleasant funeral for you--- up to $5000 worth. Or, if you prefer to be thrifty, you can choose a simpler path to Heaven which we call "Deep Six" and the $5000 will be added to the $45,000 you will receive.
To participate, you must produce a note from any one of the following that it would be OK with them if you croaked within the next year:
Your physician or health practitioner.
Your spouse.
Your ex-spouse.
Any one of your children.
Your nursing home.
Any one of your creditors.
Any one of your neighbors.
Your Congressional Representative.
Sincerely and Our Best Wishes,
US Department of the Treasury.
P.S. In the spirit of collegiality, we are initially offering this program only to Republicans.
You might also note, that the improvement that you will choose to make in your miserable life will also benefit many of our young men and women since we will not need to go to war as much to stimulate the economy.
***
Labels: CashForCodgers
posted by alternate universe at 4:42 PM
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