A New Dollar! Stunning News Release from the Fed and Treasury.

A smashing news release by the Treasury Department and the Federal Reserve!!! --- "We have, after many months of thought and effort, proudly created a splendiferous new dollar! You get two for one of the stuffy boring old George W singles! These new dollars come in a vast selection of colors and flavors --- you can even eat them. These wonderful new dollars don't rely on the U.S. Treasury. They are worth whatever merchandise or services that people would be gladly willing to give you for them! That is Free Trade! No interference by Uncle Sam! Free yourself from your old economic concerns. Free yourself from the nagging worry that your tattered old dollars will become worthless.

Inspire your free trade instincts. Trade them, build a collection of sports figures, Hollywood stars, even pornography (the Nude Dollar, ha! ha!). The New Dollar is printed with the same high quality paper, inks and presses as the boring old dollar with stuffy George on them. For slightly extra, you can buy New Dollars with microencapsulated fragrances. Impress your friends when you rub your New Dollar and evoke the odors of vanilla, chocolate, pheromones, etc. and even the odor of a freshly printed N.D.

(N.D.'s which also contain various flavors of pheromones and sex hormones are available at a modestly higher price. You must be ten years old or older to purchase these .)

Two for One! You can't go wrong. Get with it! Buy one, get one free!!!

Also available are collectors' items, $ND's personally endorsed by Alan Greenspan or Bernie Bennanke. These are much more expensive of course--- 500 of your boring old GW dollars, but they can only increase in value and even become family heirlooms. These are strictly limited editions, a mere 8B $ND will be printed and signed!

(Regrettably, no Paul Volcker endorsed NDs will be available due to the regrettable development of a hand tremor.)

(copied from a surreptitiously obtained press release scheduled to come out next month. ...paul)
###

Official Mail
US&A Department of the Treasury
August 8, 2009




Dear Mr. Altuniv,

We wish to introduce you to an exciting and highly profitable new US&A gummint program. This brilliant program will dwarf the benefits of the "Cash for Clunkers program.

Since your DOB is December 7, 1941, you are easily eligible for these exceptional rewards. Your weird sexual preferences and questionable business dealings as recorded in our voter list will not disqualify you. Read on.

Good health and looking forward to meeting you in the Hereafter when I and Obamamama will have more time to chat personally with you!

President Obama



>>>>>> Cash for Codgers. <<<<<<

Since most ( 80% or so) of any individual's healthcare expense is incurred during the last six months of their pathetic life, this is a huge drain on Medicare; to say nothing of the health insurance companies who make such generous contributions to our party.

By eliminating these last six months of your life, you could help America to balance the onerous cost of Medicare and peripherally the burdensome social security program. The benefits would be enormous to all of us who remain alive.

We are offering anyone who wishes to participate in our splendiferous new program the magnanimous sum of $45,000 U.S. dollars Tax Free. This money will also be exempt from estate taxes. This is ten times as much as you could have collected if you merely turned in a Clunker Car.

You may be a tad nervous about dying. That is a normal healthful human feeling. But we will make it comfortable and easy to do. This is by a process of euthanasia ( "eu" from the Greek means "good". "Thanasia" from the Greek means, uh, "Going to the Great Beyond")

We offer a wide range of choices for your euthanasia, most of them euphoric. For example one could choose OD'ing on heroin, IV ethanol, engorgement with raspberry creme chocolates, or for those who prefer speed --- either amphetamines or a .45 bullet through the head. But you will have these and many, many more choices. We are even flexible as to any particular wish you may have as to your wise choice of euthanasia.

We will also provide a pleasant funeral for you--- up to $5000 worth. Or, if you prefer to be thrifty, you can choose a simpler path to Heaven which we call "Deep Six" and the $5000 will be added to the $45,000 you will receive.

To participate, you must produce a note from any one of the following that it would be OK with them if you croaked within the next year:

Your physician or health practitioner.
Your spouse.
Your ex-spouse.
Any one of your children.
Your nursing home.
Any one of your creditors.
Any one of your neighbors.
Your Congressional Representative.

Sincerely and Our Best Wishes,

US Department of the Treasury.


P.S. In the spirit of collegiality, we are initially offering this program only to Republicans.

You might also note, that the improvement that you will choose to make in your miserable life will also benefit many of our young men and women since we will not need to go to war as much to stimulate the economy.

***

AltUniv Idle Rambling 2009-02-22


I am disappointed that no one has recently expressed their customary dissatisfaction with my commentaries by sending me boxes full of doggy-doo. It is excellent for fertilizing bulb plants which need the phosphorous. Also, ask your dog if he can get by on one less can of Alpo per week. Then we could feed the entire starving populations of a few third world countries. (Short sell ALPO manufacturer? Buy whoever makes cheap dry dog chow?) (For you fellow Social Security payees, there are tastier and much cheaper brands of canned dog food. Watch out for salmonella in the dog biscuits. Try them on a dog before eating any.))

After perusing the thousands of thousands of lines of the bailout bill, I have only identified one which seems important --- preservation of the habitat of the marsh mouse. Here in 5-Space, there is a dim notion that, in the distant future, the marsh mouse will evolve to replace a defunct human race as the planet's dominant species. It does seem that the marsh mouse is already showing signs of a form of rationality and political wisdom that is uncommon among humans. Besides the cost of saving the marsh mouse is a trivial $30 million. The marsh mouse is a coincidentally in Nancy Pelosi's district and thus one of her wiser constituents. But, a mouse is not pork so it must be OK. Hell, this ledger line only costs American citizens ten cents per capita. Besides, it will doubtless create a new job - Assistant Manager for the MM project. I'm for it. Perhaps Nancy also wanders around here in 5-space, although I have not bumped into her.

The gummint is espousing a Plan similar to that implemented by the gummint during the Great Depression I (GD-I) of the 'thirties. Because the GD-I plan failed, the current plan needs to be much bigger if it is going to work, our wise financial experts explain. But, if WWII is what really got us out of the GD-I, do we need to have a bigger war? Afghanistan is hardly going to do it. Perhaps we could spend enough money by taking over Iran and excavating the entire country to a depth of 100 feet to find any lingering nukes? Or maybe simply rerouting the Grand Canyon to supply more water to California? (Buy Caterpillar (CAT) stock if these secret plans start coming to light.)

When I was a kid, back in the Dark Ages, gambling was pretty much illegal everywhere. Gangsters of all stripes ran various businesses in this arena. Illegal gambling dens, numbers rackets, horse race betting parlors, etc. One could bet on numbers in corner candy or cigar stores. The police worked very hard to track down and prosecute these gangsters, when not accepting minor gratuities. Of course those lotteries were rigged --- maybe winning number would be the last two decimal points of the DJIA for the day, which could be conveniently adjusted by paying a small sum to some Wall Street bookkeeper. So, over the years the states started to run their own lotteries to get rid of the criminal element and end the moral turpitude of all this illegal gambling. The profit rigging was nicely folded into the percentage of receipts retained by the states. Commendable.

The gangsters all bought more conservative suits and moved to other pastures --- Wall Street maybe? The numbers racket guys moved into selling marijuana. The cops moved on to marijuana arrests. Now, in fiscal 2008, state lottery revenues rose 3.3% to $60.6 billion. Per a U of Texas study, gambling increases as incomes go down. The states intensively advertise their lotteries by every media possible since the lottery profits are a big chunk of state revenues. What happened to the moral reprehension of gambling previously expressed by state governments? The numbers guys were exploiting the poor and/or ignorant. Now the states are now doing so on a scale that would be the envy of the mafia and the old time numbers runners. By extension, I suspect that as incomes go down, people are taking bigger risks in the financial markets. The times, they are a-changing. Wanna bet?

A.U.

P.S.
An old, old joke you young'uns maybe never heard:

>Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White
> House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third
> is from Minnesota.
>
> All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The
> Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
> then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the
> job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100
> profit for me."
>
> The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
> says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my
> crew and $100 profit for me."
>
> The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to
> the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
>
> The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the
> other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
>
> The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you,
> and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
>
> "Done!" replies the government official.
>
> And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

(Thanks for the joke, Pat! ...A.U.)

Letter to President Obama 2009-02-22 Laundered Money.

Dear Mr. President,

I live near the ocean on the New Jersey shore. Actually, you must know where I live because your Secret Service spooks come over here subsequent to every letter I write to you. As an aside, you should really check into these SS guys. They pound on the door of a mostly innocent voter, then stand around in their mirrored sunglasses whilst fondling their little zip-lock bags holding their Uzi machine guns. Then they ask questions like --- "Do you wet your pants?" Really thuggish and verrry weird people! Are you sure they will "take a bullet" for you? Maybe you should run a little test? Is there anyone you can trust to fire a gun aimed at a foot or so away from you? The SS guy that takes the bullet is the one that you know you can have confidence in.

To the main issue: Mr. Bernanke's helicopters fly by here every day. Actually, US&A Army helicopters. I have noticed that they are often dropping a stream of greenish papers into the ocean, a couple of hundred yards offshore. Sometimes they drop bales of green stuff. Upon walking the beach, I see this paper washing up and, upon examination, it proved to be sodden fragments of surf battered $US 100 bills. Coin of the realm! Wow! I am forwarding a couple of five gallon buckets of these which I have carefully dried out. Got out almost all of the seaweed and last summer's condoms. Perhaps you can have SecTreas take these and send me new $100 bills? He can do it by weight. Maybe take off 10% to allow for the extraneous materials. He can keep the used condoms. Still in good shape, although a user would have to watch out for crabs.

I have asked myself--- Why, why, why oh why are the Helicopter Ben emissaries dropping the currency in the ocean instead of, say, on my street? It is a great deal of trouble to strain the soaked and disentegrated bills out of the surf. And my local bank refuses to take them. Well, you know how cautious bankers are about tangible money.

Sooooo.... I consulted a Junior High School computer nerd down the street. He has cracked into the White House correspondence sent via Email and your Blackberry. I had to buy him a Penthouse magazine to procure the following message. He wants to know who Monica is. Does she still Email the White House? Clueless children.

At any rate here is what the disgusting, unwashed computer nerd came up with:


"From: The Office of the President of the US&A
To: SecTreas and FedRes
TopTopSecret ULTRA HELIBENBUCKS, NOFORN, NOPUBLIC, NOREPUBS, NOWIFE, NONUTTIN

(...blah, blah, blah stuff... then)

'...Instruct the US&A Army to proceed immediately with the HeliBenBucks operation. Inform them that this is of crucial national importance. The economy is underwater, we need liquidity, it is essential that we water down the currency, ...'

By Order of ME, the President"


I can only assume that SecTreas sent a verbatim copy to the Army, which would explain why they are dutifully dropping the currency into the ocean. Perhaps you could instruct the Army to drop the currency inshore a hundred yards or so? That would guarantee you my vote, and the thousands that the teenage nerd fabricates, in the next election.

Helpfully yours,

Paul

February 7, 2009 Letter # 48

Dear Mr. President,

I have noticed the absurd and pathetic plans of Congress to pump a Trillion Dollars into the economy from time to time. This, of course will not work. We will end up a few hundred trillion dollars in debt and with the economy at the same level it is now. We will all become serfs working for China. Hopefully, you have not had a hand in this idiotic scheme.

My, with all modesty, stellar-brilliant-awesome proposal will work with the utmost simplicity. It will restore the economy and bring prosperity, confidence, and pride to the American people.

Oh, this is so beautiful. I am atremble in my aura of galactic genius. OK, first we spring Mr. Bernard Madoff from the slammer in his multimillion dollar apartment. We make an agreement that he works for the US&A gummint as a condition of parole. If he screws up, he goes to one of the currently unoccupied subterranean suites in Guantanamo, one with blood on the walls, dripping water, and hungry rats. His co-operation is guaranteed unless he is completely senile, in which case we maintain the teensey white lie that he is totally functional and put him in the suite right now.

Part A. Mr. Madoff, reopens his investment plan to all Americans and American corporations and institutions. He will pay investors 12% per month for all of the money they invest in the Madoff plan, with full backing of the United States Treasury! Note that Mr. Madoff can point to some 30 years of successful returns to his clients and has only hit a bit of a rough patch recently. Naturally, Mr. Madoff will be taxed very heavily on his profits.

Ah you say, but how do we get the 12% per month?

Part B of the plan is that the investments shall be denominated in Zimbabwe dollars. (You might want to put "Zimbabwe" in fine print in the offering.)

Voila! The gummint is only paying out 12% per month. But Zimbabwe dollars are depreciating by, conservatively, 10,000% per month. A little simple math shows that the US&A gummint, not actually holding Zimbabwe dollars of course, makes an unconscionable profit--- enough to pay off all of our insane debts and future obligations. A $US debt of a trillion would vanish in the wink of an eye.

Zimbabwe would be happy to accommodate us for, say, payment of the equivalent of their gross domestic product, payable hourly.

Everybody is happy. Bernie is happy. The US&A gummint is happy. The idiot Congress and idiot voters are happy.

What's not to like?

Respectfully,

Paul Collins

Congress Perks. 2009-02-09

Even though a chorus of experts from around the world is urging the government to stop wasting money on stimulus bills -- can we at least assume congresspeople themselves are cutting their personal budgets and limiting work-related expenses… right… please… anyone?

That’s the Kingsmill Resort & Spa in Williamsburg, Va., where House Democrats met for their annual retreat over the weekend -- on the taxpayer dime. You helped pay for a chartered round-trip train to the historic city, rooms for over 200 House members and their entourage of assistants and security, dinners starting at $60 a head and an undisclosed number of massages, tee offs and old-fashioneds at the bar. The government won’t tell us exactly how much they spent.

Wasn’t it a chorus of Democratic congressmen who were ticked off about AIG’s retreat after accepting taxpayer money? And forced Wells Fargo under pain of public embarrassment to cancel their junket to Miami last week?

[ Above, courtesy of Agora. I note that the bare-bones minimum room rate is $199 per night. Of course much more for the various packages of golf, spa treatments, honeymoon suites ---- Hey, the Congress and gummint is on a Honeymoon now, so why not? ...paul ]

Gasoline Prices. The Government will Fix the Problem


Dear All,

I have heard that gasoline prices are getting high. Haven't tanked up my Ford Behemoth lately, but the word is $3.00 per gallon. 90 bucks for a full tank of the FB-150? Now that ought to discourage consumption, at least in this neighborhood.

Our government has come up with at least three solutions:

1) Stop adding oil to the Strategic Petroleum Reserve (SPR). The US uses about 22 million barrels of oil a day and imports about 10 million of that. Over the past few months, Uncle Sam has been adding about 25,000 barrels per day (bpd) to the SPR. Oh this will help enormously. Sharpening our pencils, we compute: 25,000 bpd is about one tenth of one percent of our crude usage. (0.1163%). Moving on to plan B...

(2) The US Gummint will give everyone a handout of $100 cash to everybody who uses gasoline for purposes other than drinking or arson. Good. A full tank for my trusty steed plus a six pack. Oh, where will the government get the $100? Why they get it from taxes, or they borrow it from China or Japan, or they simply turn the crank on their printing press thereby making the dollars in your pocket worth less. It seems that the $100 will come out of the citizenry's pockets, since the government doesn't have any money. So the government is saying that they will help us to give ourselves $100. Are we idiots, are they idiots, are we in a space warp, or what?

(3) The Congress will remove the 18 cent tax on gasoline for 60 days. Same situation as item 2. Tax, borrow, or roll the presses.

When computing the cost of gasoline, one should add in the $1 per gallon (wild guess) that our government spends in trying to keep the Middle East from disintegrating or in helping it to disintegrate depending upon our mood du jour. So we are paying as much as $4 per gallon as a guess.

Wouldn't it be gratifying if our elected officials played it straight with the public once in awhile?

...Pqular