A New Dollar! Stunning News Release from the Fed and Treasury.

A smashing news release by the Treasury Department and the Federal Reserve!!! --- "We have, after many months of thought and effort, proudly created a splendiferous new dollar! You get two for one of the stuffy boring old George W singles! These new dollars come in a vast selection of colors and flavors --- you can even eat them. These wonderful new dollars don't rely on the U.S. Treasury. They are worth whatever merchandise or services that people would be gladly willing to give you for them! That is Free Trade! No interference by Uncle Sam! Free yourself from your old economic concerns. Free yourself from the nagging worry that your tattered old dollars will become worthless.

Inspire your free trade instincts. Trade them, build a collection of sports figures, Hollywood stars, even pornography (the Nude Dollar, ha! ha!). The New Dollar is printed with the same high quality paper, inks and presses as the boring old dollar with stuffy George on them. For slightly extra, you can buy New Dollars with microencapsulated fragrances. Impress your friends when you rub your New Dollar and evoke the odors of vanilla, chocolate, pheromones, etc. and even the odor of a freshly printed N.D.

(N.D.'s which also contain various flavors of pheromones and sex hormones are available at a modestly higher price. You must be ten years old or older to purchase these .)

Two for One! You can't go wrong. Get with it! Buy one, get one free!!!

Also available are collectors' items, $ND's personally endorsed by Alan Greenspan or Bernie Bennanke. These are much more expensive of course--- 500 of your boring old GW dollars, but they can only increase in value and even become family heirlooms. These are strictly limited editions, a mere 8B $ND will be printed and signed!

(Regrettably, no Paul Volcker endorsed NDs will be available due to the regrettable development of a hand tremor.)

(copied from a surreptitiously obtained press release scheduled to come out next month. ...paul)
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Official Mail
US&A Department of the Treasury
August 8, 2009




Dear Mr. Altuniv,

We wish to introduce you to an exciting and highly profitable new US&A gummint program. This brilliant program will dwarf the benefits of the "Cash for Clunkers program.

Since your DOB is December 7, 1941, you are easily eligible for these exceptional rewards. Your weird sexual preferences and questionable business dealings as recorded in our voter list will not disqualify you. Read on.

Good health and looking forward to meeting you in the Hereafter when I and Obamamama will have more time to chat personally with you!

President Obama



>>>>>> Cash for Codgers. <<<<<<

Since most ( 80% or so) of any individual's healthcare expense is incurred during the last six months of their pathetic life, this is a huge drain on Medicare; to say nothing of the health insurance companies who make such generous contributions to our party.

By eliminating these last six months of your life, you could help America to balance the onerous cost of Medicare and peripherally the burdensome social security program. The benefits would be enormous to all of us who remain alive.

We are offering anyone who wishes to participate in our splendiferous new program the magnanimous sum of $45,000 U.S. dollars Tax Free. This money will also be exempt from estate taxes. This is ten times as much as you could have collected if you merely turned in a Clunker Car.

You may be a tad nervous about dying. That is a normal healthful human feeling. But we will make it comfortable and easy to do. This is by a process of euthanasia ( "eu" from the Greek means "good". "Thanasia" from the Greek means, uh, "Going to the Great Beyond")

We offer a wide range of choices for your euthanasia, most of them euphoric. For example one could choose OD'ing on heroin, IV ethanol, engorgement with raspberry creme chocolates, or for those who prefer speed --- either amphetamines or a .45 bullet through the head. But you will have these and many, many more choices. We are even flexible as to any particular wish you may have as to your wise choice of euthanasia.

We will also provide a pleasant funeral for you--- up to $5000 worth. Or, if you prefer to be thrifty, you can choose a simpler path to Heaven which we call "Deep Six" and the $5000 will be added to the $45,000 you will receive.

To participate, you must produce a note from any one of the following that it would be OK with them if you croaked within the next year:

Your physician or health practitioner.
Your spouse.
Your ex-spouse.
Any one of your children.
Your nursing home.
Any one of your creditors.
Any one of your neighbors.
Your Congressional Representative.

Sincerely and Our Best Wishes,

US Department of the Treasury.


P.S. In the spirit of collegiality, we are initially offering this program only to Republicans.

You might also note, that the improvement that you will choose to make in your miserable life will also benefit many of our young men and women since we will not need to go to war as much to stimulate the economy.

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